Today we’re talking about two important topics: healthy boundaries and healthy relationships.

The two go hand-in-hand. Where there’s a relationship, there should be boundaries and vice versa!

While the word “boundary” can sound stiff, rigid, and maybe a little scary, they don’t need to be any of those things. Rather, boundaries are an important building block of a healthy, happy life. You need to know your limits so those around you can respect them.

As a therapist, these topics come up with almost every person I work with. There might be a friend who owes you money, a family member taking advantage of you, or a coworker who simply won’t take “no” as an answer. Regardless of how relationships and boundaries are showing up in your life, it’s always a good idea to learn how to manage them well!

In this post, I’ll be covering everything you need to know including what boundaries are, why they’re so important, how they apply to different types of relationships, and how to apply them in your own life.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries refer to how you want others to treat you. It comes down to you, your preferences, and what you are (and aren’t) comfortable with. 

Here are the main categories of boundaries I see in my practice: 

• Verbal boundaries. Example: Jamie tells her partner that if they argue, he shouldn’t raise his voice at her because it makes her upset.

• Physical boundaries. Example: When Richard visits his extended family, he does not feel comfortable engaging in hugs or physical contact. Physical boundaries can also apply to physical spaces or belongings. For example, Richard also makes it clear when his family comes over to visit that they aren’t allowed to go into his bedroom or look through his things.

• Emotional boundaries. Example: David and Joyce are in a monogamous relationship. They agree that they will only be romantically and emotionally involved with each other
  
• Sexual boundaries. Example: Christine makes it clear to her sexual partners that she is not comfortable having sex without a condom.

• Financial boundaries. Example: Yolanda lends her sister $100 but makes it clear that she needs the money back by the end of the month to pay her bills on time.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Boundaries are important because they allow you to communicate your needs with others. When you set a boundary, you’re clearly outlining what you are and are not comfortable with to preserve your well-being and maintain the health of your relationships with others.

People may not always understand or agree with your boundaries, but it’s always important to communicate your needs. If someone doesn’t respect a boundary, you can distance yourself and spend more time with the people who do. 

Boundaries in Relationships

This is why boundaries are the foundation of any healthy relationship. They clearly outline how you will and will not tolerate being treated by others.

Of course, boundaries are also a two-way street. The people in your life also have boundaries that you should be respectful of, too. By honouring one another’s preferences, you build mutual trust and respect which are integral parts of a relationship – whether it’s platonic, romantic, or familial.

It’s also important to realize that everyone’s boundaries are different. Something that matters deeply to you might not matter as much to someone else. The only way to understand someone else’s boundaries (and make sure they understand yours) is through clear communication. Towards the end of this article, I’ll share some prompts you can use in your own life!

Key Types of Relationships

The types of boundaries you set may change depending on the type of relationship you have with the other person. Below are examples of common types of relationships and how boundaries may show up.

Romantic

I often see clients who struggle to have healthy boundaries in their romantic relationships. A partner is someone who should make you feel trusted, understood, and safe. It’s important to be clear about the boundaries you have so you can continue your relationship feeling this way.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries in romantic relationships: 

• “I’m not comfortable talking about my relationship with my dad.”
• “I would like for us to text throughout the day, but please don’t call while I’m at work.”
• “We can hold hands in public, but let’s leave everything else behind closed doors.”
• “I don’t feel comfortable when you raise your voice at me during arguments.”
• “The photos we take together are for our eyes only.”
• “We share a bank account, so both of us should have access to the login.”

Family

Family dynamics can be very challenging for us all. Whether it’s parents, grandparents, children, or extended family, I have clients who must navigate all different types of boundaries within family units.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries within families:

• “I’ll give Grandpa a hug during Christmas, but I don’t want to kiss him on the cheek.” 
• “When you visit our lake house, please don’t open the drawers in the guest room.”
• “Please don’t go into my room and borrow my clothes without asking me first.”
• “I don’t want to sleep in the same bed when we go on vacation. Let’s find an option with 2 beds.”
• “After 7:00 pm, it’s quiet time. Please turn off the TV and go to your room.”
• “I’m not comfortable with you giving me money for a birthday gift.”

Friends

The saying goes, “One is silver and the other gold”. In my opinion, gold friendships are the ones with healthy boundaries! These can be applied to acquaintances, new friends, and those you have known since childhood. 

Some examples could include:

• “I only want to stay out until 10:00 pm tonight. After that, I need my beauty sleep!”
• “Please stop bringing up my ex, I’m not comfortable talking about him.”
• “I’m not having a mimosa during our brunch on Sunday. Day drinking gives me a headache!”
• “I’m available tomorrow from 2-3 pm for a phone call.”
• “I’m about to tell you something personal, please don’t tell it to anyone else.”

Work

The last type of relationship I’ll be covering in this blog is work relationships. Be it your coworker or your boss, these are always important to uphold. Your workplace may also have specific rules and guidelines to adhere to.

Workplace boundaries might look like:

• “I’ll be logging off at 5:00 pm. I can work more on this project tomorrow.”
• “I have too many tasks right now, I can’t take on another one.”
• “No thanks, I’m not comfortable having more than 2 drinks at the company party.”
• “I’d rather not talk about my personal life. Let’s focus on what’s happening at the office.”
• “Thanks for the happy hour invite, but I’m not a big drinker. I hope you have fun!”

How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

Now that we’ve covered the basics of healthy boundaries in relationships, you might be thinking about the boundaries you have! A helpful tip to remember is that we are always changing. You can always take a step back to reevaluate where you’re at and if your needs have changed.

For example, maybe your best friend enjoys gossiping about other friends behind their back and she often brings those topics up when the two of you are together. You used to engage, but lately, you leave the conversations feeling guilty and like a bad friend. 

The next time she brings it up, you could tell her you’re no longer comfortable talking about others without them there. It might surprise her or rub her the wrong way – but this is a win because you’re communicating your new and improved needs. This request is protecting your energy and serving you, not her! She should respect your changing opinion and ultimately respect your wishes.

Here are some additional tips to help you set healthy boundaries in your relationships. 

1. Schedule a time to meet. Carve out time when you know the two of you won’t be interrupted. This isn’t a discussion to have with other people around or on a whim.

2. Think about what you want to say. You will feel a lot more comfortable if you go into the conversation with a game plan. Sit down and ask yourself what the boundary is that you want to communicate. Did the person do something that upset you?
Try using one of the following prompts:
• When you [action], it made me feel [emotion]. In the future, I would like you to [alternative action] instead. 
• I felt [emotion] when you [action]. I care about our relationship, so I wanted to let you know. Could you please [alternative action] instead so we can avoid this happening again?

3. Remind them how important they are to you. Setting boundaries isn’t about pointing fingers or making the other person feel bad. It’s simply an opportunity to discuss your needs with a person in your life! When it makes sense, you can remind this person that you value them and your relationship. (This might make more sense for friends, families and partners and less for your boss.)

4. Keep the conversation going. Give the other person space to respond and tell you how they feel. They might understand your boundaries and respond well, or be  confused and challenge them. Be open to their response and listen to what they say. You might not meet eye-to-eye right away, and that’s okay. The fact that you communicated the boundary in the first place is a win in and of itself.

At the end of the day, these topics can be confusing and relationships are hard! They require ongoing work and commitment from both parties in order to succeed.

While the tips and suggestions in this blog post can help, sometimes, you need extra support. During moments when you feel like you can’t do it alone, you should consider working with a therapist like myself!

Relationship & Boundaries Therapist

As a therapist who specializes in relationships and boundaries, my role is to provide an unbiased opinion as you navigate uncertainty. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult friend, a partner, or a troubling coworker at work, I’m here to help you make sense of it all and (you guessed it) set some boundaries. 

I know how scary it can feel to have troubling relationships in your life, but the only way to work through them is exactly that… by working through them! When you have me in your corner, you’ll feel supported and most importantly heard. We’ll take the time we need to dive deep into your current situation and create a game plan to navigate your relationships with ease. 

Click here to book a consultation with Grey Couch!